The Real Winners of the 2024 Las Culturistas Culture Awards

’Twas the night before the Tonys, and all through Kings Theatre … nobody cared because a much more important awards show hosted by Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang was already underway. That’s right: The Las Culturistas Culture Awards were held in Brooklyn on June 15, and they positively blew away each letter of EGOT by having an enthusiastic audience, exciting categories, and, most of all, hosts who were able to deliver a straight-up-gay punch line. Plus, “Natalie Portman” and “Julianne Moore” were in better spirits than they’ve been at the past 85 Oscar ceremonies.

The night included performances that would make the Tonys cry with envy, acknowledgment of songs that the Grammys wouldn’t dare to care about, and an award for Best Picture that went to a literal picture. All in all, it was a wild success. Still, while many things won many awards, the true winners and losers are the names that get remembered long after the ceremony — just ask Glenn Close and this face she made when she lost her umpteenth Oscar. Below, find the true winners and losers of the LCCAs.

Winner: Selena Gomez’s continued relevance as a singer
The show opened with a rendition of Selena Gomez’s “Single Soon,” a fact that took me a full verse to recall. With Gomez busy winning awards at Cannes for acting, it seems altogether likely that she forgot she released that song too, but Las Culturistas did not. Congrats to Selena Gomez, singer. —Jason P. Frank

Winner: Tina Fey
While not in attendance, Fey’s spirit filled the room when the entire theater recited her “I Don’t Think So, Honey” in unison like the Pledge of Allegiance — ending, of course, with the now-iconic words “Authenticity is dangerous and expensive.” —Tom Smyth 

Loser: Patti Harrison, who is dead
Peppermint killed her, and now she is dead and no longer able to be Miss Culturista. She will be remembered for her big beautiful breasts. —J.P.F.

Winner: Peppermint
By murdering Harrison in cold blood, Peppermint got to replace her in a pretty sick gig. Good for Peppermint! —J.P.F.

Loser: Trishelle
Just about any time Peppermint was onstage, someone in the crowd heckled Trishelle. —T.S.

Loser: the audience members in the front who weren’t really sure when they should be standing
Yes, you should stand for Meredith Marks. —J.P.F.

Winner: sickos
Pedro Pascal accepted the Daddy Award with a brief video message, in which he simply uttered the phrase “Who’s your daddy?” A major win for sickos everywhere. —T.S.

Winner: Chappell Roan
For the second consecutive year, Chappell Roan’s The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess took home Album of the Year. So it looks as though we already have our front-runner for next year’s award. Threepeat? —T.S.

Loser: finalists, the only Las Cultch fandom not called out by Hoda and Jenna in their acceptance speech
Finalists can rot! —J.P.F.

Winner: the audience, which got to enjoy a rendition of “Never Enough,” sung by Loren Allred
She sounded great! Rebecca Ferguson could never. —J.P.F.

Loser: the audience, which didn’t know the words to “Never Enough” when asked by Loren Allred to sing along to “Never Enough”
Everybody did a pretty good job with “never, never,” though. —J.P.F.

Winner: The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Meredith Marks received a hero’s welcome when she strutted onstage to accept the Best Picture Literal Picture Award for “Four Women on a Beach,” declaring, “Big Little Lies, eat your heart out!” As if that weren’t enough, her castmates Whitney Rose, Lisa Barlow, Angie K., and Heather Gay all sent in videos to accept the Bene Gesserit Award for Most Slay Group of Women (TBD). —T.S.

Loser: polyamory
George Civeris of StraightioLab made it very clear that the official stance of the podcast Las Culturistas is that it does not support polyamory. Again: Las Culturistas does not support polyamory. —J.P.F.

Winner: Pat Regan
Regan came out on top despite the stiff competition for Best Gay Guy Somewhere in Between (Famous and Normal). —T.S.

Winner: Greece
Angie K. accepted the Allison Williams Cool Girl Award via video message, a moment that felt like a Capitol official broadcasting news to the districts in The Hunger Games. And was she wearing oversize pink sunglasses? You better believe it. —T.S.

Loser: Katharine McPhee
McPhee’s infamous “Hi, my gay boys” has officially been unseated as the most prominent LGBTQ+ greeting thanks to the one-two punch of Meg Stalter’s “Hi, gay” followed by Sabrina Carpenter beginning her video introduction to “Espresso” with “Hi, gays!” And you better believe the gays said hi right back. —T.S.

Loser: us, for falling for Mae Martin and Parvati Shallow’s joke breakup
Confused, somber murmurs fell over the Kings Theatre when Martin and Shallow accepted the Billie Eilish Award for LGBTQ+ Announcement in separate videos, in which they seemed to announce that they had broken up. Thankfully, as the couple later clarified online, it was simply a bit, the nuances of which got lost in the boisterous theater and perhaps in part owing to editing? —T.S.

Winner: Mae Martin and Parvati Shallow
For not breaking up at an awards show! Love wins! —T.S.

Winner: Jodi Benson
Benson, the voice of Ariel, was one of the icons paying tribute to fellow Disney princess Mandy Moore via video messages (along with Mother Gothel Donna Murphy and Moore’s Princess Diaries co-star Sandra Oh). It was a full-circle moment for all involved lest we forget Matt Rogers telling the story of meeting her at a New York City gay bar at 3 a.m. during Moore’s episode. “And you recognized Jodi Benson?” she wondered. —T.S.

Winner: chanting
Picture 3,000 people on their feet, fists in the air, chanting the words “Mandy Moore! Mandy Moore! Mandy Moore!” Had she been so inclined, Moore could have rallied the audience to storm the Capitol. —T.S.

Winner: fans of Waxahatchee singing “With You” by Jessica Simpson
Waxahatchee’s Katie Crutchfield came to LCCAs to sing Mandy Moore’s “Gardenia.” For fans of Waxahatchee singing “With You” by Jessica Simpson, this was a welcome sequel to the folk rocker’s original cover of a song by a late-’90s blonde icon. Christina and Britney, your time is surely coming. —J.P.F.

Winner: jump cuts
With plenty of video acceptance speeches to get through and little time to spare, editing was an MVP of the night. But the occasional jump cut in the middle of a prerecorded speech begged the question, What pearls of wisdom from the likes of Angie K. and Tilda Swinton were left on the cutting-room floor? —T.S.

Loser: fans of Aaron Jackson’s long beautiful hair
In a Felicity-like transformation, Jackson’s new shorter hair stunned in its Las Culturistas debut. The chop was a winning look — when it wasn’t hidden by his Julianne Moore wig. —T.S.

Winner: Delta Work
Delta won an award for her podcast, Very Delta, and sent in a video about the same length as Sabrina Carpenter’s, which made sense since they are equally famous to me. —J.P.F.

Loser: friends of the pod Ben Platt and Noah Galvin’s version of “II Most Wanted”
For about two weeks, fiancés Platt and Galvin’s version of Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus’s “II Most Wanted” was the most viral version of that song performed by a group of gay guys. Sadly, Yang and Rogers performed the song with Josh Sharp and Jackson while wearing glittery tops and assless chaps and while mashing it up with “Landslide.” With much love to Platt and Galvin and all their theater-kid charm, the comedians have taken the crown this time, honey. —J.P.F.

Winner: the New York accent
Record of the Year winner “Espresso” was performed by the lovely Tomás Matos, who did so with an intense and extremely melodious New York accent on full display. We also like their outfit. —J.P.F.

Loser: Wicked
Despite Fey’s “I Don’t Think So, Honey” famously noting “You hang out with Ariana and SpongeBob now; that is your life,” Yang’s Wicked cohorts were absent from the proceedings despite their many nominations. That being said, “Something Bad” did win for Best Song from Wicked — a major victory for famed Dr. Dillamond puppeteer Louisa. —T.S.