Survivor Recap: Ave Maria

OMG, Maria is fu … Oops. Sorry. I forgot this is a family show. OMG, Maria is screwed. She has played, by far, the best game of anyone left in Jeff Probst’s petri dish, but she might just have shot herself right in the foot by deciding to stick with Q rather than continue her very fruitful alliance with Charlie. That said, Charlie was taking a shot at her, too, until Maria managed to win her third immunity challenge of the season. This finale is going to be explosive when a surrogate mother and a surrogate son square off for the $1 million.

While the ending of this episode was one of the most exciting we’ve seen this season, it was mostly packed with a lot of filler. The start of the episode was hilarious, as we see Ben tell Kenzie that he wrote her name down by mistake. He got to the voting booth and just blanked. At tribal, he tried to blame it on being drunk on pizza, but even that makes no sense. They really need to start feeding these people. I swear so much of the hinky gameplay from this season is that people’s thoughts are addled by the lack of food. When we’re celebrating Liz’s first poop in three weeks, then it has been taken to the extreme. Give these kids some rice and beans, and give them some energy to strategize already.

I also loved the scene between Kenzie and Ben when he was talking about how bad his panic attacks are getting and how Kenzie has been the one to hold his hand and help him through the whole thing. “I could never let someone go through something so scary alone. That’s not who I am,” she says in confessional. Um, I’m not crying, you’re crying!

There’s a reward challenge — rescue a ball, jump through hoops, get the ball in the maze — and the only thing worth noting is that Liz is trying to use one foot to navigate the maze and also has no idea that she’s bleeding profusely from her knee. Charlie wins not only Chinese food but also letters from home. Charlie also has the number 22 painted on his hand. What is that about? Is it a Taylor Swift thing? Please tell me it’s not a Taylor Swift thing. Anyway, he chooses Kenzie and Liz to go with him because they’re the ones who didn’t get to go on the pizza reward. Maria is heartbroken because she doesn’t get to hear from her kids and, quite understandably, spends the whole day sobbing.

I’m going to say something controversial here, but I feel like there is a hierarchy in the “letters from home” reward selection, and I think it’s bullshit. The players are always acting like people with kids should have priority over everyone else, or that someone with a husband should have priority over someone with a girlfriend, or that someone with a girlfriend should have priority over someone’s mom. I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. I can only imagine that when you’re out there, hearing from anyone in your everyday life is a godsend. I’m not saying that the bond with a child is the same as a bond with a girlfriend, but they all need love, and they all deserve it, regardless of whom that love is coming from.

Charlie is talking to Liz and Kenzie about how they need to get Maria out at the reward, and Maria is back at camp talking to Q about how they need to get Charlie. They’re also looking for idols, and Q finds one. It’s filler, filler, filler, more filler than a cast photo of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, especially because we don’t even know who is going to win immunity yet. Before we get to the challenge, we have Charlie saying he doesn’t think Maria is going to blindside him, and Maria is saying she doesn’t think Charlie is going to blindside her. It seems like we’re headed for a straight-up duel.

Then we get to the challenge — run through a bunch of water obstacles and build a puzzle — and Maria dominates from start to finish, taking immunity. Okay, now Charlie’s plan is fu … screwed. What happens at camp afterward is truly exciting. Charlie rounds up Liz, Kenzie, and Ben to vote for Q, not only taking out the biggest annoyance in the game but ridding Maria of one of her allies. It was actually smart of Maria to keep Q and build his trust as everyone was trying to get him out, but you’re going to trust Q? This guy’s game is more erratic than the Incredible Hulk on bath salts. (And everyone hates him.)

Maria goes to Kenzie and Liz, and they say that they’re all going to vote for Charlie, but it seems like they’re really voting Q. Or are they? It’s unclear. Charlie, afraid of ruining his relationship with Maria, wants to let her in on the vote so that he can still work with her at the final five. When he tells her they’re voting Q, she just nods, says okay, and pretends like it’s a done deal.

What’s great about this lead-up to tribal is that we are finally in a place of uncertainty but an excited uncertainty. It isn’t “I have no clue what is going on,” it’s “I can’t wait to see what happens.” There are a few moving parts here. The girls could be lying to Charlie, and they’re going to gang up with Maria to vote him out. Maria, who knows at least Charlie is voting for Q, could tip him off, and he plays his idol, and the two of them vote for Charlie, and he goes home. Or Maria doesn’t tell Q, they all vote for him, and he’s gone. There are some great, dramatic possibilities, and we’re just waiting to see how they play out.

When they’re at tribal, there is one very illuminating detail about a person in the room, but it isn’t one of the players. Jeff Probst says, “I watch a lot of police interrogation videos.” Okay, this might be the key to unlocking Jeff’s psyche, but what does it mean exactly? Does he watch them to figure out how to interrogate people on the show? Does he watch because he loves forced confessions? Does he watch because he wants to see criminals squirm? Or maybe to see criminals get off? I’m gonna need at least a podcast episode and Jeff’s YouTube history about this entire topic.

They get up to vote, and we see that everyone is voting Q. We even learn his real name, which is Quintavius. Or maybe it’s Q-nice. Which is it? Do we even know? Couldn’t we just stick with Q? Then we see Maria vote for Charlie, and we know that the only hope she has left is for Q to play his idol, save himself, and send Charlie home. But he doesn’t because this is the season that has been filled with idols, advantages, and twists, and no one has played one well. They’re so snowed by everyone around them and so hungry for idols that they can’t let them go. It’s like a parade of Gollums getting their torches snuffed with their preciouses still in their pockets.

Q goes home. Charlie knows he got two votes, and he knows that one is from Maria. They’re all going to be after her now, and if she doesn’t win immunity or learn how to make fire right quick, I fear that the person who has played the best game so far will go home.

As we go into the final, who are we rooting for? As I said, Maria has been a great strategist this whole time, but I think turning on her No. 1 was a fatal mistake, and now I think she needs to pack it in. Kenzie is by far my favorite character on the show, but I don’t know if she and Liz have done anything other than cling to other people’s plans to make it this far. Ben is a traditional goat. Love the guy, but he hasn’t done anything other than say things rock or don’t rock the whole season. That leaves us with Charlie. He’s played all sides; he’s been super-likable; and he’s given everyone a reason to trust him. I think if he can get Maria out before the finale, it’s his $1 million to lose. Let’s just pray he doesn’t waste it all on Eras tour tickets.