Photo: Bravo
This episode was all about tough conversations. We saw the cast get together in groups of twos and threes to talk about some horrible subjects. Some of those conversations were good, most were bad, and a couple were joyful, but they were all necessary.
Let’s start with my imaginary husband, Kyle McGill Cooke, because, whoa, sister, I have a lot to say about Kyle. The episode starts when he’s in the middle of his freak out because Amanda dared to ask to find a pursuit she is as passionate about as Kyle is about Loverboy. He’s in his car with his little crying face on, having a tantrum, and the only sympathetic person is Danielle, who never picks the right side of an argument. Maybe she’s just seeing him as a fellow CEO and founder. (“Of what?!” Paige pops from around the corner to ask.)
I have minimal sympathy for my Kyle at this moment. I was shocked in the previous episode when Amanda said she wanted to start her own thing, and Kyle could only think about its influence on him. No one gets more “Rise and Grind” content on his Instagram than Kyle, and I figured he would actually do the opposite, try to optimize Amanda’s start-up so hard that he would take it over and make it not fun anymore. Instead, he just shoots it down because of his own insecurities about the company’s health.
Thank Loverboy Vacay Vibez Spritz Cans. The next day, he has a conversation with Paige and Ciara about what is going on with Amanda. They tell him the hard truth: if Amanda doesn’t find something to stoke her passion, she will be even less excited about Loverboy. Paige also points out that Kyle is always making fun of Amanda and how little she does, but when she says she wants to pursue other things in her spare time, he acts like she’s the lynchpin holding the company together. It’s wild.
When Kyle can’t figure out what Amanda wants to do, he jokes that he’s going to go on tour as a DJ. (I already booked the tickets using the Dice app.) Paige says the most thoughtful thing, “I don’t want to be having this conversation in five years that she’s leaving you … You’re going to lose your marriage because of a company?” Then Paige and Ciara tell him exactly what he needs to hear: he’s being selfish. And he is! He’s putting himself and his own company above his relationship with Amanda and their happiness. If my imaginary husband treated me like that, I would imaginarily divorce him, and then I would join a fictitious throuple with West and Jesse Solomon (always both names!) in my imagination.
Kyle freaks out and starts to walk away from the conversation, believing that the women have no clue what they’re talking about. Paige answers, “You act like we don’t know what you’re talking about, like it’s too high level for us. We watch her cry. Is that too high level? I watch her cry.” Damn, Paige, that cut to the bone! If Kyle hadn’t changed his mind after hearing that, then there would have been no humanity left under that silly little mullet of his.
It has the desired effect because Kyle goes outside with tears in his eyes to do the closest thing he can to apologize to Amanda. He says he feels bad that on the boat, when Amanda brought up wanting to have her own project, he didn’t immediately say, “Let’s do it.” Amanda tells him she’s glad he heard it from other people because she can’t get through to him, and I think that Kyle hearing from Paige and Ciara about how bad it looks when he says this stuff about Amanda made all the difference. I wish I had friends so true that they would fight with my man for me. I outsource everything — cleaning my house, doing my laundry, getting rides to the airport — if I could outsource arguments with my man, life would be perfect.
Yes, Kyle says that he’s going to do everything to support Amanda and her project, and why was that so hard? Why couldn’t he have just said that in the first place? Now, we all need to hold Kyle accountable and make sure he’s supporting her and not just paying her lip service to shut up. And maybe buy one of Amanda’s bathing suits. Shit, if they’re half as cute as the Loverboy merch she designs, I’d even buy one.
Okay, onto our next terrible conversation, which is between Carl and Lindsay, voted Couple of the Year by Bullet Dodgers magazine. Carl feels that when he approaches Lindsay with potential business ideas, she asks him questions and is critical of them rather than being “soft” and “nice.” Girl, you want a partner that is soft and nice and you picked Lindsay Hubbard? That was your first mistake. I tease Lindz, but I will give her a huge amount of credit. During these conversations with Carl, no matter how badly he treats her, she never gets activated, she never starts shouting, and she is never the Lindsay that we have known for so many years. Has she, dare I say it, grown? Regardless, I am on Lindsay’s side during this whole conversation.
And does Carl really want someone nice and soft, who is just going to say, “That’s a great idea, babe,” and then when his business doesn’t work out, she looks like a chump for not trying to protect him or tell him that a sober only sports bar (a.k.a. Chuck E. Cheese) is a really bad idea? When Lindsay tells him that she wants to know more about these business ventures and will be more excited for Carl when he finally makes some decisions and starts making steps toward having a big boy job, he says that he’ll make a PowerPoint to show her everything, harkening back to when loser Stravvy made a PowerPoint on how they could be a better couple. The sarcasm and loathing dripping off his voice at that moment made me so glad they never got married.
Later, Lindsay decides that she would rather go home with Danielle and Gabby and decompress a little bit, and Carl acts so confused and befuddled like he can’t understand why she would want to spend some time away from this dude who just eviscerated her for no good reason. “I’ll just drive back by myself. It’s fine,” he says. I hate people who refer to their dogs as “fur babies,” I hate when you run out of chips before the guacamole is gone, and I hate taking off my shoes for the TSA, but there are a few things I hate more than passive aggression. Then, when Lindsay explains that he’s taking her luggage home but not her, he drives off, leaving her to shove her suitcase in the back of Danielle’s mini (which is apparently named Cacio E. Pepe, which is my new favorite thing about Danielle).
Once everyone’s back in the city, West takes Ciara on a date horseback riding, and I have no clue where this is or how they got there from the city. What is this magical wonderland where you can drive horses through the woods? Is this why Amanda is so hyped about New Jersey? Anyway, after going on the trail, they have a long-needed talk about their relationship. What’s crazy to me about these two is that they both seem like they want this thing to work, but they’re worried about it because they think the other is the perfect partner. It’s like they know this is endgame, so they’re being extra cautious, but the caution is what is killing them.
West says that he is afraid of giving up being single because he’s never done it before and that he “wants to get his shit together” before really committing to Ciara. I assume he means professionally, but he could mean other things. Ciara says that she doesn’t want to have sex with him because she knows she’ll catch feelings and doesn’t want to get hurt like she has before. She also says she wants to date intentionally and not be in a relationship just to have fun. She wants to be looking for the guy she’s going to marry and have kids with.
Just do it already, you two! West, you’re never going to have your shit together; you’re never going to feel like you’re in a place to start a relationship, so just do it. Pull the trigger. See how it goes. If she’s worth making it work, then you will find a way to make it work. And Ciara, you’re never going to know who is the one. You could be married to this guy for 20 years and find out that he was stealing money from his clients to fund your pop career all this time, and then you’ll have to get a divorce before the cops show up. Don’t wind up like Erika Jayne. Just get with the guy and have some fun, God forbid. If he’s worth making it work, then you will find a way to make it work. They both need to stop being such scaredy cats. No relationship is perfect, no moment is perfect, this recapper might be perfect, but other than that, everything else is just a mess, so embrace it for what it is.
Speaking of West, the cutest and sweetest conversations in the whole episode are the ones he has with Jesse Solomon. Back at the house, Jesse goes upstairs for a moment of silently worrying that he’s going to die of cancer. West follows him and gives him the biggest, warmest bro hug I have ever seen outside of a team that just won some kind of silly athletic competition. Jesse says he has a hard time showing his emotions and how scared he is that his cancer is coming back. West says, “Sometimes emotions, especially the big ones, you have to wear them.” Who are these straight boys so connected to their feelings, and why are they making me cry? I don’t like this one bit. Can’t they just make out already? Usually, when I’m watching a film where hot “straight” guys embrace each other, it always ends in kissing.
Jesse goes to his doctor’s appointment with his mom and calls West afterward. He says that he found something abnormal, and so did the doctor. They had an ultrasound, so they’re waiting for the results. But at least when he gets them, no matter what, he’ll have someone to talk to. Someone who will have his back and hug him to celebrate or hug him to mourn. He’ll have someone to goof with after and raise his spirits. He’ll actually have a whole house full of people like that. I used to love this show for the fights, the drama, the girls tearing each other to shreds. But now I love it for the support, for a group of friends who truly want the best for each other and who will remind each other when they’re not living up to be their best selves. It’s a funny feeling to get from a reality show, but I think this might be the best summer of our lives.
