I Only Date Within My Race, and There Shouldn’t Be Any Stigma Around It

Alexis Felder is an operations manager. For PS’s Radical Honesty issue, she opens up about why she only dates people of her own race. Read more radically honest stories here.

Ever since I was little, I’ve pretty much only been around Black Americans socially. I’ve always been so engulfed in Black culture — I went to a predominantly Black high school, and a historically Black college and university in Atlanta.

I always knew that I wanted to date within my own race. I want Black children, and the biggest concern for me when it comes to dating is my offspring and what they’ll look like. Because I’m a lighter-skinned Black woman, if I were to have a child with someone of another race, it is possible that the child would not look Black at all or would look biracial. That’s something I’ve always thought about. I don’t want to walk around with my child and have someone mistake me for the nanny or question whether they’re my child.

One of my sisters is actually biracial — my dad was previously married to a white woman — and I can imagine it was difficult for her growing up living with her mom, whose complexion didn’t look anything like hers, and then also struggling with whether she was Black or white enough. That’s part of why I want to have a Black child. But I definitely want to make it clear that I don’t have an issue with interracial dating; it’s just something that I choose to not do.

If you want a genuine, authentic relationship, I don’t think there’s a problem in wanting to be with someone who culturally matches you.

I’m in a historically Black sorority, so I dated people in the HBCU or Black Greek-letter organization scene. And on the apps, I paid the extra money to specify race and age. I’ve tried to open myself up on apps, but it didn’t feel genuine at all. It felt like peer pressure because you hear so many people say you need to open up more because then it’ll be easier to find a boyfriend or a potential husband. I hear that narrative a lot, like, what you’re doing is not working, so you should try something new.

At a certain point, I thought, I’m 39 years old, I’m about to be 40, and I need to be more open if I want a husband. But it was very temporary. Nothing ever came to fruition. That’s something that comes up in a lot of conversations with Black women. If we’re not open to dating outside of our race, then we have to face the possibility that we may end up single for the rest of our lives. That’s not necessarily true, and that shouldn’t deter us from still going after what we want.

I’ve now been in a relationship with a Black man since January of this year. My boyfriend and I grew up in the same culture. We can laugh at the same jokes. We watched the same Black sitcoms and Black classic movies growing up. It’s important to me not to have to explain anything cultural — I don’t want to have to constantly explain why I’m wearing a bonnet to bed or why we don’t put our purses on the floor.

If you want a genuine, authentic relationship, I don’t think there’s a problem in wanting to be with someone who culturally matches you, grew up the same way as you, and understands the negative things that can happen because of your color. People should love who they love, and want to be with someone who makes them happy. And if that happens to be someone who understands them and they don’t have to explain themselves to, and they can truly, authentically be themselves around, I don’t think that there should be a stigma around that.

When you’re dating in general, you should be open about exactly what you’re looking for. I think having a perfect checklist can be silly, but I do feel like people should be free to at least attempt to look for what they want and not be judged for it. And ultimately, we shouldn’t be concerned about other people’s relationships.

Yerin Kim is the features editor at POPSUGAR, where she helps shape the vision for special features and packages across the network. A graduate of Syracuse University’s Newhouse School, she has over five years of experience in the pop culture and women’s lifestyle spaces. She’s passionate about spreading cultural sensitivity through the lenses of lifestyle, entertainment, and style.