How Normal Is My Obsession With My Partner’s Ex?

Preserving tabs on your partner’s ex is a common practical experience. Even celebrities can relate: Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish, and Fletcher have all prepared songs about stalking their partner’s exes, with Rodrigo stating particularly she’s “obsessed.” (Truthfully, relatable.)

It can be extra than good product for a catchy pop tune, while: keeping up with your considerable other’s previous flame is a frequent phenomenon, no matter if people today admit it or not. “Curiosity about a partner’s ex is really typical, and social media offers a handy way to satisfy this curiosity,” connection therapist Aliyah Moore states. While Instagram and TikTok you should not constantly portray the most genuine facet of someone’s lifetime, it does offer you a glimpse of your lover’s past.

But at what place does an obsession with a partner’s ex (or in some instances, your ex’s ex) become unhealthy? Moore points out down below.

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Aliyah Moore, PhD, is a licensed sex and partnership therapist with a doctorate in gender and sexuality reports. She is also the resident sex specialist at SexualAlpha, a internet site committed to aiding folks investigate their bodies and sexual wellness items.

How Ordinary Is My Obsession With My Partner’s Ex?

A little lurking is to be expected, and being curious about who your husband or wife beforehand dated is just not anything to truly feel ashamed about. Moore states it really is “beautifully usual” to wonder about their earlier interactions, especially because those experiences have formed your husband or wife into who they are nowadays.

If you find on your own wondering, Moore implies initial asking your significant other for facts instantly as opposed to checking in on their ex’s social media. “Asking about earlier relationships in a respectful method can be a way to have an understanding of your spouse better, find out about their marriage styles, and achieve insights into what has labored or not worked for them in the earlier,” she claims.

All that to say, a minimal creeping right here and there is NBD — specially if you’re doing it just for the reason that you’re curious. But if you happen to be creating Finsta accounts to stalk your partner’s ex for the reason that of “emotions of insecurity” or to “search for validation,” this is the place it may perhaps come to be a dilemma.

“People may possibly want to gauge how they evaluate up towards their ex’s earlier associates, irrespective of whether it’s in conditions of overall look, achievements, or character traits,” Moore claims. “This comparison can provide to validate one’s individual value or spotlight parts for particular growth.”

Though this, far too, is widespread, it is really not essentially healthy. Because if you are on the lookout for affirmation of your well worth or your romantic relationship, you will not likely discover it by stalking your partner’s ex. That can only arrive from yourself and your marriage.

If you come across that you might be wanting for this affirmation, Moore claims it might be really worth owning an open up and straightforward discussion with your spouse. Discuss any concerns and collaboratively do the job on establishing a marriage that is constructed on have faith in and safety, Moore indicates. “Though it can be normal to be curious about a partner’s past, it can be necessary to prioritize the current partnership and not enable earlier connections to undermine present contentment.”

And if you come across you wondering about your partner’s ex normally or wanting to creep on their profiles routinely, it might be time to discuss with a psychological health and fitness professional who can enable you handle the motives why. Due to the fact unlike what Rodrigo states in her song, you almost certainly shouldn’t know your partner’s ex’s star indicator or blood kind.

Taylor Andrews is a Stability editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sexual intercourse, relationships, courting, sexual wellbeing, psychological overall health, and much more. In her 6 several years functioning in editorial, she’s created about how semen is digested, why sex aftercare is the shift, and how the overturn of Roe killed situationships.