Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Cold Eggs

Tonight’s episode mostly feels like a setup for more exciting things to come, and I don’t despise anyone yet, so that’s promising. The action resumes with Gael and Nathan trying to secretly meet up for a “strawberry” at 2:52 a.m. She thinks she’s in the clear, then is surprised by a camera-and-sound-operator duo. I love when we get a glimpse of the crew members. They ask if Gael needs to be mic’d up, and she lies that she’s just getting water and won’t speak to anyone. Nathan waits in the bosun’s locker and naïvely claims there are no cameras on the deck. She’s spooked that she got caught and texts him, deciding to call it a night. This raises a philosophical question: Does it matter if someone does the right thing for the wrong reasons, or should we just appreciate that they got there somehow? In the morning, Gael feels awkward about the whole thing and regrets not going straight to bed. She calls her boyfriend but doesn’t mention the Nathan temptation. Since we’re in the land of Socrates and Plato, it’s only natural the moral-debate opportunities keep coming: Are lies of omission really lying? 

In less of a gray area, Sandy acts decisively and switches provisioners. Aesha is thrilled everything arrives on time. Is it dumb that I’d actually be interested in seeing more of the logistics of placing these orders? The preference-sheet meeting is only two and a half hours before the charter starts, so I have to assume they’re getting specialized requests in before then and just rereading for the camera. Unless someone else is placing the orders … scandalous, if true. The primary is Gigi Fernandez, a tennis player and former charter guest on Below Deck season ten, episodes five and six, during which she iconically brought her Olympic gold medal on vacation. She and Sandy became friends after that charter, and she’ll have higher expectations than the first group of guests. Gigi is Zendaya in Challengers, and the crew is the two boys taking turns disappointing her.

Disappointment No. 1: lunch. Per the guests’ request, it’s Mexican cuisine, and I’m worried the second I see Jono put ground cardamom in the rice. Gigi notices the distinct taste and doesn’t like how overbearing it is. Another guest compares it to Indian curry, a dish that is traditionally much more likely to have cardamom.

Disappointment No. 2: lost paddleboarders. Nathan and guest Laura paddle too far out and can’t get back to the Mustique because of a strong current. They hitch a ride back on a catamaran, which is not a good look. Joe owns that it was his fault for not telling Nathan to come closer. Sandy thinks it’s also on Iain and reminds him to always have two sets of eyes on the guests. Iain blames his underlings, forgetting that he told Gael to take a break, so there were only two people on swim-platform duty. Nathan and Joe are getting annoyed by Iain’s micromanaging, while the bosun is frustrated because he feels like he has to tell or show them how to do everything. Iain would rather be dressing up at a music festival. He doesn’t seem to take criticism well, and I don’t want to pile on, but that photo of him as a wizard looked more like January 6.

The galley and exterior may be slipping, but Bri is improving. She takes Ellie’s advice and uses a notebook to keep track of the guest laundry. Ellie and Aesha are happy she’s receptive to coaching. In addition to bed-making skills, Bri also wants Ellie to teach her how to be flirty. Ellie asks if it’s for Joe, and Bri says no — just in general. But in confessional, Bri is definitely interested in Joe, just like Ellie is. Going after the same boy? It’s giving Challengers yet again. (That’s the last reference, I promise.)

Disappointment No. 3: The yoga setup is too cramped. You can’t comfortably do a sun salutation without hitting the person on the neighboring mat. None of the guests actually said anything about this, but I’m counting it as something they must have been thinking.

Later, Aesha is about to serve dinner with the stews still in their red shirts. Sandy goes, “You didn’t want to put your uniform on for this?” They change quickly to blacks, and the captain joins them for synchronized service, leading us to …

Disappointment No. 4: dinner. There must have been at least one first course we weren’t shown, right? The first we see is a chicken entrée. Sandy doesn’t think chicken should be served on a superyacht — it’s not luxury food. Gigi says it has too much rosemary, and everyone eats in silence, conspicuously not complimenting the food. Aesha knows this is a bad sign, but the guests are positive when she asks how it was. For dessert, Jono makes a chocolate sponge cake he introduces as “deconstructed”; it doesn’t look experimental at all, just in rough pieces. The diners think it’s both not chocolaty enough and too intense of a flavor. Gigi has a savage read on it: “When you call something deconstructed, it just means it didn’t work out.”

Post-dinner, the ladies partake in a toga competition. Aesha theorizes that ancient Greeks wore them because the open design would be convenient for orgies. I have to fact-check here and say that togas are Roman, not Greek. This doesn’t matter because most of the women on the charter don’t wear togas, either. They have bought toga-esque dresses, while the crew competes in a timed toga-making contest. It seems to be a good time, and the guests go to bed at 12:15 a.m. They ask for huevos rancheros at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow.

Disappointment No. 5: breakfast. Jono has it ready, but none of the guests are awake. The eggs sit out for an hour and a half. Disgusting! The FDA sets two hours as the danger zone, or one hour if above 90 degrees Fahrenheit, so this just seems too close a call with foodborne illness. And, of course, they’re cold. Gigi sends her eggs back and asks for hot ones. She tells Sandy about it and critiques yesterday’s food. Sandy believes Gigi wouldn’t complain just to complain and is going to “fix it,” which means talking to Jono about it … next episode.

• Gigi is actually not the only tennis player onboard: All the friends play. “I think we ALL sing” vibes. One brags that her tennis partner is Biden’s next-door neighbor. Okay, and?

• Should Aesha be dialing back the crass humor with guests? They laugh at her warning to pencil dive/jump, because “you don’t want to, like, tear your anus or anything,” but don’t seem to enjoy all the butt-plug–necklace jokes.

• “One-hundred cement.” —Iain