Aly Raisman: I’m Single at 30 — and Embracing It

Aly Raisman is a retired gymnast who won three Olympic gold medals. For PS’s Radical Honesty issue, she discusses the pressure to marry and have kids by a certain age — and why she’s embracing being single at 30. Read more radically honest stories here.

When I was younger, I thought that by age 30, I would be married with kids. Well, I just turned 30, and I’m single. This isn’t where I am supposed to be at this age, right? I’ve lost count of how many times people have told me:

You’re too picky.

You’re difficult.

Your standards are too high.

Give him another chance.

You’re probably intimidating him. Maybe you should make yourself smaller.

Your biological clock is ticking, don’t you want to have kids?

You should put yourself out there more.

How are you still single?

Sound familiar? In my experience, conversations about dating don’t focus enough on what a special time it can be in one’s life, this journey of self-discovery and traveling one’s own path. Rarely am I asked:

How are you?

How do you feel with your partner?

Do you like the person you are when you are with them?

You’re single? That’s great! It’s so important to take the time to figure out who you are!

Each of us is a unique individual, so our paths should be different, right? But sometimes it feels as though society plays too much of a role — not only in our conversations, but in our consciousness. When I think about how and why those thoughts enter my mind, I consider the many influences that shaped my upbringing, like my school, my community, the books I read as a child, the movies I watched. Looking back now, I can see why we might think that finding a life partner is the pathway to fulfillment, and that the “right one” can save us.

We’re also impacted by experiences that are more personal to each of us. For me, gymnastics still influences me to this day. Because it’s a subjective sport, success depends upon the approval of coaches and judges, so throughout my career I sought the validation of others. After finishing a routine, I would immediately look to my coach for approval before considering how it felt to me. Even if I thought it was my best routine, all that mattered was whether the judges, selection committee, and coaches were happy. My opinion wasn’t a factor. Because gymnastics was such a large part of my life, I am still adjusting to the realization that success in other aspects of life does not always depend upon the approval of others. This evolution in my sense of self has of course impacted dating. Often, if something didn’t work out, I would reflexively wonder what I had done wrong.

Even though I stopped competing in gymnastics eight years ago, I feel I am still learning who I am outside of being an athlete and being in the public eye. I often wonder, if everything about me online were to be deleted, who would I be? I have grown so much since retiring from the sport, and I honestly feel like a different person, but there’s still so much left to learn. With time, it is becoming easier to see how both the negative and positive experiences are all important parts of the process, and that they weave together to form the fabric of my life. They shape who I am today, how I walk through the world, how I show up, and ultimately who I will become.

I often hear my friends share that they regret spending so much time worrying they won’t find someone. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to appreciate that more often than not, dating is more about compatibility than anything you do or don’t do. Sometimes, you might go out with someone you think is great, but for reasons you can’t even articulate, you just don’t feel a connection. Maybe true compatibility is just more elusive than we think, which makes it more unique and special. But we can learn something new from each experience we have, and each person we meet. One time, a guy commented that I seemed to second-guess myself a lot, and he asked me if I was aware how much I was doing it. I wasn’t. It opened my eyes that I needed to trust myself more.

If you’re like me, you sometimes feel pressure when your experience with relationships differs from that of your friends or societal norms. In those moments, I find it helps to remember that each of us is on our own path, and that we become who we are in our own way and in our own time. It’s wonderful if you’ve found your soulmate by the age of 30, but why shouldn’t it be just as celebrated and hopeful to be single and still figuring out who you are? I think the most important relationship we will have in life is with ourselves, and we should allow for the time and space for that to develop and flourish. I am still on a path of self-discovery, and through that I’ve learned that I can want to find a life partner yet still love the experience of being single. Regardless of where I end up, being single will be a part of the process, so why not embrace it?

Jump back to the Radically Honest issue.

Lena Felton is the senior director of features and special content at POPSUGAR, where she oversees feature stories, special projects, and our identity content. Previously, she was an editor at The Washington Post, where she led a team covering issues of gender and identity.