Look at those … muscles?
Photo: LIAM DANIEL/NETFLIX
Many questions have arisen in the hours after the release of Bridgerton season three, part one: What exactly happened to Colin in Europe? How much time passes between any one scene on this show and any other scene? Where are Daphne and Simon? Why does Cressida Cowper wear hairstyles and neckpieces that could, with zero alterations, fit in perfectly on Star Trek: DS9? But above all else, the Bridgerton fandom has been rocked by this season’s sudden turn into a high-stakes, high-octane action thriller. In episode three, with almost no warning, lives are threatened. Violence looms. Tragedy and daring feats of bravery vie for the upper hand, with the fate of true love hanging in the balance.
It’s almost too upsetting to describe, but: At a diverting afternoon hot-air-balloon demonstration, the balloon starts to take off, and then it … nearly … almost … bumps someone.
When an event as life-threatening and emotionally traumatizing as the Bridgerton season-three balloon disaster takes place, it can be tempting to try to move on. But to truly recover, we must first stare down our fears. We must consider, at some length and to a detailed degree, how such a thing could ever happen, so that it can never happen again.
We first need to understand why there is a balloon scene in this show at all. It’s not in Romancing Mr. Bridgerton, the book this season is based on. Neither Colin Bridgerton nor Penelope Featheringon have evinced any fascination with ballooning to date. But look: Somehow, these two crazy kids have got to figure out they like one another, and a hot-air balloon is a fine and historically accurate excuse for thinking about sex!
“People found balloons very ribald and sexy,” romance novelist and British literature professor Alexandra Vasti tells Vulture. With the invention of hot-air balloons in the early 1780s, periodicals like The Rambler begin to include lots of references to balloon technology. “And also,” Vasti says, “these funny, sexy cartoons about rising and swelling.” By 1784, multiple sources report on a gentlemen’s-club bet between Lord Cholmondeley and Lord Derby about what exactly someone could get up to in a balloon. Cholmondeley was involved with famous writer/courtesan/spy Grace Elliott and “bet his friend Derby that he could take her up in the balloon and have sex with her a thousand yards high,” Vasti says. “Derby accepted the bet because he thought it wasn’t practical.”
Sadly, no one ever recorded the outcome of this bet, but the legend of balloon sex nevertheless looms large over this period.
Who makes the “extraordinary novelty” banners? What other extraordinary novelties have they witnessed?
Photo: LIAM DANIEL/NETFLIX
Everything seems perfectly normal at a cursory first glance. Children are dancing around the Maypole, visitors gather in the exhibition tent, and, as is required in the world of Bridgerton, a variety of stalls have been set up, ostensibly to sell kites and snacks, but actually so that couples have something to walk around and look at while they flirt. “Extraordinary novelty!” reads the event banner. It’s a lovely day!
But is it? The sky is cloudy. Gusts of wind rustle the tree branches. Those kites for sale are doing a brisk business, because the wind is blowing. Is this safe ballooning weather? Or were these Regency hotheads so hopped up on sexy swelling metaphors that no one even cared?
Consider the initial meeting of balloon skeptics and enthusiasts. The unnamed aeronaut (Hawkins?) describes his new, lighter fabric, which he’s hoping will let him stay aloft for two hours. Lady Tilley Arnold applauds his courage and ingenuity; the crowd appears persuaded. At that very same meeting, though, red flags begin to appear. An anonymous nobleman (a whistleblower?) points out that the balloons cannot even be steered. This courageous man’s warning tragically goes unheeded.
That’s not even the worst of it. Before the meeting begins, witnesses spot a man working to secure the balloon tethers to the stakes. This man simply wraps the rope around a piece of wood stuck into the ground. No knot! No method! No technique! Just a rope looped around in a circle, fingers crossed. At this point, you have to ask this: Was this simply a careless mistake, or was this aeronautical sabotage? Or was everyone so distracted by their sexy balloon feelings that no one took this dangerous device seriously?
The corporate malfeasance is getting out of hand.
Photo: Netflix
The wind has begun to pick up. We know because Colin, while staring at the balloon, says, “Do you think that is normal?” A background ADR voice says, “Gusting up something terrible!” A different ADR voice adds, “Mostly from the wind.” The balloon’s enormous, apparently massively heavy blue gondola begins to creak and shift. Despite a chipper, strings-forward musical cue, the mood has taken a turn.
At the same time, Prudence Dankworth, née Featherington, sneaks behind one of the snack/kite/tea/balloon-demonstration tents to make out with her husband, Harry. Startled by an onlooker, Prudence shoves Harry, who trips over a rope. Is it the same rope some balloon handler looped around that stake with a desultory lack of care? Possibly! The rope unfurls with shocking speed and also with a little whoosh whoosh whoosh sound. Stakes snap from the ground. What was once a sharp breeze has become a howling tempest!
Ropes begin whipping around riotously. Penelope, standing in the foreground, has absolutely no idea that danger billows behind her. But it DOES!
Blissfully unaware of the horrors that await.
Photo: Netflix
Everyone else can see it! The women gasp! The men start booking it across this picnic ground/market space for kite vendors! Men to the rescue!
People begin running out of the way of this, again, bizarrely heavy gondola attached to a balloon … except for Penelope. She stands, watching Colin’s super-manly arms as he grabs onto a rope and yells manly rope-pulling things.
Finally, Penelope starts running, too, until she almost instantly trips and falls onto a rug.
A dozen men pull on the guide ropes to stop this weirdly heavy balloon boat, but on and on it drifts, staying at all times just far enough off the ground that Penelope could just lie down flat and be perfectly fine. But NO! She is in TROUBLE!
At the last possible moment, Penelope’s current crush Lord Debling leaps into action with a full baseball-plate slide across the rug where Penelope is frozen in shock, covering her with his body. He manages this feat even though he is a vegetarian and thus lacks the manly protein traditionally required for being a romantic hero in this time period. It’s a good thing, too. If he had not put his entire body on the line to protect Penelope, one can only imagine what might have taken place. One has to imagine it, in fact, because at no point does it ever look like anyone is in any physical danger. Colin (and every other guy in the surrounding area) stops the balloon before it gets anywhere close to Penelope. But what if they hadn’t? That balloon could have murdered someone! Or it could have gently shoved them over, where they would have fallen onto a waiting rug with several pillows on it.
Once the balloon has wreaked its terrible cost in fear, grass stains, and rope burn, the ’ton must pick up the pieces and find a way to move on. Somehow, rather than securing the deathly vessel, Hawkins the aeronaut just jumps into the boat and takes off to the sky. He is never mentioned again; if he lands safely, no one on Bridgerton cares enough to discuss it. Cressida pretends a rope hit her on the ankle.
Despite the painful memories, the events of this tragic balloon disaster should not be forgotten. In the face of devastation, life and love continue. Benedict presumably takes inspiration from the swelling, rising balloon to go have sex with Lady Tilley Arnold. Colin realizes he loves Penelope because she was almost hit by a balloon. Somewhere over the horizon, Mr. Hawkins is maybe smiling down on everyone, wondering how the hell he’s ever going to get back home.
