Following the recent attack on actor Steve Buscemi in Kips Bay of all places, Saturday Night Live addressed New York City’s latest hyper-specific crime trend: attacks on character actors. As a police sergeant at a press conference, Jake Gyllenhaal pleaded with the city to stop punching character actors in the face, because Buscemi hasn’t been the only victim. “Unfortunately, this follows similar assaults on Rick Moranis and the shockingly versatile Michael Stuhlbarg.” When asked to define what exactly he means by character actor, he explained, “Actors whose faces you can remember, but names you cannot.” Luckily, the department is offering protection to at-risk character actors, asking anybody who has played “a girlfriend on Seinfeld or a boyfriend on Sex and the City” to avoid the subway, and requested that Paul Giamatti shelter in place. But some actors are safe. When Jon Hamm showed up to ask if an actor like Jon Hamm, for example, should be worried, the sergeant assured him that he’s fine.
